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Thursday, March 23, 2006

IL SIGNE

Check out our newest columnist - IL SIGNE, for now can be found by clicking the IL SIGNE link at the top news ticker like thingymabob. Or simply go to www.ilsigne.blogspot.com

Brian

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Saturday, saturday saturday SATURDAY

First a reminder that you can get your hands on your very own BASICALLY BRIAN fridge magnet if you win my Bebo quiz, so far only three have taken it, and Suzanne is in the lead with 50 something, and then Ellen and Aoife ?? Roberts? i think, both on 27%. So as you can see the competition isnt too hard.

Now I would like to introduce a new thing that I'm doing here, called the BASICALLY BRIAN Hall of Fame. It is as you may have guessed a Hall of Fame where heros, both dead and alive, get to enter, and do the sort of thing one does while in a Hall of Fame, except smoking and flash photography is strictly forbidden. It is as big an honour as recieving a knighthod by the queen or being named Time Magazine's Man of the Year. Or indeed Eoin's Man of the year, although I doubt Barry Gallagher will be in my hall of fame as the last time we spoke he tried to convince me that I wasn't me, because he used to play football with Brian Harrison so he knows him, and so I amn't Brian Harrison. He had been drinking.

The first induction into my hall is, oh thats right big surprise, lets all say it on together on the count of three, 1,2,3. Billie Joe Armstrong.


So why Billie Joe? You must be asking, seeing as the last time we spoke (and I really mean that (really)) He compeletely dissed me. As any of you at oxegen will recall, except Paul who let a woman get in the way, will recall I ALMOST went up on stage to play with them, before a ripped muscley guy with no shirt who was stuck to the spot in absolute star struck amazement got picked instead.


Well first and foremost his music, which if you've ever spoken to me for more than about 6 seconds you will know I'm a fan of. Most men apparently think of sex about every 6 seconds, I think of Green Day about ever 5 seconds.

His Charity work, is a true testament to him, (that's just a guess really, but you find that most people as rich as him are quite charitable)

He's always been lovely to his mother.

For a man not blessed with the most physical beauty, bad teeth, slightly chubby, he is incredibly sexy. And if you disagree you just haven't seen him up close. He's hot, and I'm straight.

His son's middle name actually Danger- how cool is that?

He has the true badge of honour as a rock star, no not a grammy(although he has one of those two (that wasn't bad grammer it was a pun because he has two)), he has a DUI conviction. That's what us smart people call Driving under the influence

So now all we have to do is give him his award. (and look some familiar friends have popped along to congratulate him)



And there you have it, you know that statuette cost me thousands to have desinged and it looks to me suspicously like and MTV award

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Launch, the postmortem

The launch of ::JUSTDonal:: version 3.2 was billed as the greatest event in the history of information technology. It was to be the culmination of tens if not hundreds of man hours, and the entire team had poured it's heart and soul into what would be our crowning achievement in internet columning. The tension, and excitement was running high as the four columnists ran through the final steps of the process, with percission and expertese like a NASA launch, as we reached the one minute mark and the process unfolded, Donal warned all of us in that MSN chat window, that there may be some teething problems, what transpired however went beyond that ::JUSTDonal::'s teething problems became full on dental surgeory to remove all four wisdom teeth and take severeal days off work, when nothing, and I really mean nothing, worked!

The diagnosis to the problem, TOO many hits, trying to download TOO many images, from the image hosting server geocities. The cure play the waiting game, and between you and me the waiting game sucks.

At the gala charity premier fans and celebrities were left bemused by the lack of images. Here is what just some of the had to say.

Michael Jackson "[in a girly voice] It is the most shameful, and embarrasing thing I have ever
witnessed"

Irish Film Censor John Kelleher "I should give it an 18 cert for wasting my time"

Hugh Grant said "I'm in down town L.A. and I'm at this piece of crap, I could be off getting a young[censored due to a court injunction]

Mr T said "I pity the fool, who messed up the pictures"

George W. Bush "We must continue to fight terrorism in all it's forms, home and abroad" (which frankly wasn't in any way relating to the question he was asked but what can you do)

Dermott Skehan (Donal's Father) "I always said he'd never amount to anything, he's a failure, and that's there all there is to it."

Govenor of California Arnold Swarg ahem hmm well we all know who i mean and just becuase i cant spell means nothing "Ist wast ze vurst vebsit eva, it reminded me of wen i waz a yung kinderlink and ve had ze [shouts] DIST ICHEN SPRECKIN NUCKEN DOCKEN BORK

Bill Gates "I'm far too rich to care"

And what did the columnists say? (and these are real)

Paul: I have to go do colledge work, good luck.

BASICALLY BRIAN: Yes my lovely jessica i am aware that the pictures don't work, thanks ever so much for brining it to my attention, now would you jolly wel let me fix it (or words to that effect)

Jonathan: Oh god I don't know what to do

::JUSTDonal:: BRIAN you've failed me!


BUT everyhting seems to be working well now, and I really think Donal did a great job on the graphics, and the problems last night couldn't be helped. Go to the messaeg board or leave a comment to tell Donal how well he did!

Tomorrow... LETTER OF THE WEEK RETURNS- The Queen Elizabeth II version

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Ok yesterday I promised my POST of the Week today, but after a creative meeting with the team that column has been further postponed for further research and design, and also because tomorrow is a special occasion. Today we now have the long awaited Ms. Lally profile, but also because I felt that's an internal thing to Sutton parkers below that you'll find some reasons I admire adults, so really you're getting two columns.

Ms Lally

This was never going to be as easy as the Ms Lyons one, but I gave it a whirl.

Ms Lally first arrived in fourth year (same day as me, probably) and we soon all found a place for her in our hearts.

1. What is it I do?
We had her first thing on a Friday after lunch. It started off as career guidance, and then moved along it's merry way. I don't think she told anyone but by the end of our year, career guidance had some how evolved into gardening?? Which consisted of birdhouse making, and her telling Fergus that no a fallac bird house would not be a good idea for a school environment. Gardening though?

2. Lunch Anyone
Charlie and the Chocolate factories first mention, she asked to stay late on a half day for rehearsals, we did, she didn't, she went for lunch, lunch in the Marine with Mrs Garvy to be precise. Then finally got back an hour late and got mad at us for being mad at her?

3. People she didn't like
Peter- that peter kid from Brian Gleesons year, she didn't like him.
Aoife N.- I don't know if she liked Aoife or not, but all I know is she was not interested in Aoife auditioning at all, and gave her a part with 2 lines, fair play though she still came to every rehearsal, and at least she wasn't an ommpa loompa (or however that is spelled.)

4.People she did like
Brian Gleeson: In her eyes he could do no wrong, he was perfect as a person and actor, I think she just liked the fact that he has a famous Daddy
Me: I was also in the Ms Lally good books, maybe it's because I was trustworthy with the art room staplegun, maybe not we'll never know.

5. Do do do dobedobe do.
She used to have us sing that as we warmed up before drama, it was always fun, but one day daragh k arrived and the look on his face as we started was priceless, especially as he tried to grasp the complex lyrics.

6. Hooty
It was either Daragh K. Or Paul who informed her that in the 4h class she was referred to by the loving nickname Hooty McBoob, on account of her adequate bosom, when she didn't take so kindly to it Paul I think suggested Chesty Leroo instead, or perhaps Busty St. Clair. She the prompty left.

7. My name isn't Aoife.
Before Easter she gave out her e-mail address which I believe was and may still be aoifemlally... after easter some called her Aoife, and she tried to convince us that despite her email address her name was not aoife. Her name was Aoife.

8. Abusing Daragh Mc
I don't know why she felt it nessecary to have daragh being a cross dressing ballerina goose for Charlie and the chocalate factory, but she did, and it was quite funny.

9. MAchine.
One day she quit the play, because we spent a solid 10 mintues pretending to be a machine,

Any other Ms Lally stories are greatly appreciated because I couldn't remebmer any, and there is a prize for any one who can track ehr down.

NEXT WEEK: Ms CAssidy

Why I admire adults.

Now I'm no child, but nor am I however a grownup, but I am at a stage in my life where i realise what grownups have to do, but don't know how to do alot of those things. Here are a few.

1. Nutmeg: A popular spice used in a variety of dishes, but where does it come from, I know I never bought it. I imagine you can by it in superquinn or Tesco's but first of all how do you know when you'll need nutmeg, and where in the supermarket do you get it, and how much is it? I have to admit not having a great amount of nutmeg knowledge.

2.TV Licences: I love TV, but did you know here you need a license to have one. Most people knew that I'd guess, but I wouldn't know how to get a new one or how much they cost or anything like that at all.

3.Directions: Grownups know where everywhere is... I wouldn't have a clue to how to get to Knobber, Clara, or the CAymen Islands

4.Dishwasher: Imagine this scenario, you have never had a dishwasher in your house and would like one, there is no plumbing in place for one... who you gonna call? I don't know but a grownup would.

5.Irons: When exactly do you know you need a new iron? And how much do they cost?

6.The good old days. With out grown ups I may never have known about the good old days where Girls wore skirt of respectable length, music was not dominated by crap, and and the EU was called the EEC.

7.Stamps Ok I do know where you buy stamps, either in Centra or a post office. However I don't know how much a stamp is, and a grownup always know exactly how much it is to send a letter to any particualr country.

8.Mice Chances are most people have had mice in their house at some stage. What do you do when that happens? Run and scream like a girl? No you simply set a trap... but how?

9.Taxes I know what they are i just dont know how to do them... do you?

10. Bin tags, the other dayI had to buy a bin tag... I didn't know where to start. The cost 6 euro as well which is annoying.

11. I couldn't think of one but a grown up could.







Saturday, February 05, 2005








“ALLLLL RIIIIIGHT DUBLIN”-Billie-Joe Armstrong, what a week, my goodness gracious me, greenday, murder interrogations, and a trip to the bank, wow. I’d like to start this week with huge shout out to Aoife Kinsella, for several reasons which I will address through the course of the column. Just so you know Greenday absolutely rocked, kicked ass, and ruled all at the same time, I believe myself and Paul may offer a joint review so I will tell all later, but now this week we have a lot to get through so lets go…

BASICALLY Brian’s word of the week

OPHELIMITY: The main meaning of this is the ability to please sexually; it can also be used just to mean to be able to please. A more useful word you could not hope to find, just imagine if Paul had been able to say that he has tremendous ophelimity, he may not have struck out in Dalkey!

PRONOUNCED: (first syllable is very difficult to type it’s a very short vowel between o and u) then –ff- el- limit- ee

BASICALLY BRIAN’s question of the week

What EXACTLY is the purpose of the orange traffic light?

I know it’s ‘prepare to stop’; but then you aren’t meant to stop anyway (unless it’s flashing), so really it just means ‘stop’, when a red light which means ‘STOP!!’. I know the theory and rules behind it, but it seems perfectly superfluous, I’ve seen those traffic lights that are just red and green and they work fine! And half the time the orange (or amber as some pretentious arseholes like to call it; no offence) light doesn’t even come on, so then we mustn’t need it, AAAAAHHHHHH IT MAKES ME SO MAD!!!!!

Anyway any answers greatly received at greenday_baskertcase@hotmail.com or even people who agree with me just let me know, it might make me feel better.

BASICALLY BRIAN’s story about how he was the suspect in a murder case

Ok, first of all it would be very easy not to believe this, so I am going to swear on the one thing that you will all believe, as some of you may know I have been going out with my girlfriend for over three years now, so that’s right I am swearing on the one thing I truly love… Manchester United!

It all began at 2:14pm Friday the 28th of January, the phone rang, nothing unusual there, that’s really all you would expect you phone to do. It transpired that the call was for me, and it was one Detective Garda Michael Delong of the National Bureau of Criminal Investigation. He was wondering if I could answer some questions in relation to the murder of some poor Croatian guy in town on the 27th of December. An odd question to ask really, as some of you may no I have never murdered anyone, especially not on that night, which I spent cursing the game half life 2 which reused to install on my computer. I did however agree to answer his questions, mainly because I had little choice, he was a policeman after all. So the time was set and I was to meet him at Howth Garda Station that afternoon, I was there on time, he was running and I quote from a text he sent me “15 minutes late for our rendezvous”. So after a while he arrived and I sat in the front seat of a car with him, and he took a statement. It transpired that he had reason to believe that the murderer had sustained a hand injury during the attack, this is where I come in. He asked me every conceivable question about my hand injury (to refresh your memories look at Basically Brian’s gruesome injury story of the week, in my very first column). That was that, apart from I needed an alibi, so I gave him the number of Emer the girl I work with and said goodbye. I have heard nothing from him since so I guess my story was good enough for him, I do now know though that Emer was interviewed on Tuesday, and he asked her every conceivable question about my left hand. Isn’t that very exciting!

BASICALLY BRIAN’s Matters Arising of the Week

This is a new section I have decided to put in if and only if there has been anything that merits discussion over the last week which doesn’t fit neatly into my intro or any of the section.

This week I was asked by Aoife Kinsella “How do they erect cranes”, I very much appreciated this, because she realized that BASICALLY BRIAN enjoys this kind of thing, it is perfect for a question of the week, and also that she thought to ask me at all. Of course you are all free to ask BASICALLY BRIAN, those of you who have my number can call or text me, I’m not going to give out here cause that would be silly, so if you don’t e-mail me at greenday_basketcase@hotmail.com . I can now tell you Aoife that cranes actually erect themselves! You press a button and they unfold themselves in a process which takes several hours, they can fold up so small as to fit in a truck! Before that they were erected by brave men with harnesses. This information comes courtesy of Paul care of Dec.

Aoife Kinsella also becomes the first person to win the BASICALLY BRIAN’s question of the week competition in almost four years! She answered last weeks question where does the word cocktail come from? SEVEN times!!! And here are those answers!

The first is that it is derived from the French coquetier, or egg-cup. According to this story, the cocktail was invented in New Orleans, circa 1795, by Antoine Amédée Peychaud, an apothecary from Santo Domingo. Peychaud, who is famous as the inventor Peychaud bitters, held social gatherings for fellow Masons at his pharmacy at 437 rue Royale. He would serve brandy toddies to which he would add his own mixture of bitters and would serve in an egg-cup. The drink acquired the name of the cup, but English speaking guests would call it a cocktay, which eventually became the cocktail. The specificity of the details and Peychaud's renown as a mixologist lend credence to this explanation, but there is no definite evidence to support it.

The second explanation is one that does not favor an American origin. In this one, the word derives from the French coquetel, a drink known in the Bordeaux region for several centuries. The drink, and its name, were introduced to America by French officers during the American Revolution.

Another is that it is derived from cock-ale, a drink popular in England in the 17th and 18th centuries. To a cask of new ale was added a sack containing an old rooster, mashed to a pulp, raisins, mace, and cloves, and the mixture was allowed to infuse for a week or so.

The fourth explanation given by Mencken is that it comes from cock-bread-ale, a mixture of stale bread, ale, and bitters that was fed to fighting cocks, and often taken by their handlers as well.

The fifth is that it is so called because it is a drink that will cock your tail.

The sixth story is that it comes from cocktailings. The dregs of various casks would be drained out of the cocks, or valves, mixed together and sold as a cheap drink.

The final explanation is that it came from the practice of toasting the victor in a cock fight. Into the drinks would be inserted a number of feathers corresponding to the number of feathers left in the cock's tail.

My personal favourites, seeming to me to be the most likely, are the 1st and the 6th explanations, but thats just my humble opinion. Although i failed to find a definitive answer to this question, i do hope that seeing as i did try and a definitive answer seemingly does not exist that i will still recieve a prize.
I look forward to next weeks column.

Yours sincerely,

Aoife Kinsella

Now although Aoife didn’t give a concrete answer she certainly gave a lot of time and energy so she will not only receive the prize which everyone receives, she may also claim off me if she so wishes a cocktail which seems like a clever and relevant prize given the question.

Sunday, January 30, 2005









“Hello ladies, gentlemen, my fellow astronaughts” (George W. Bush). Well what a week it’s been, I encountered the most troubling question I have ever encountered, what would happen were John Malkovich to enter his own head. The film “Being John Malkovich” then having posed the question, answered it; he enter a world where everyone is John Malkovich, and only says “John Malkovich”. It was good that I found out because nobody ever tries to claim the prize to BASICALLY BRIAN’S Word Of The Day. Before I begin a word of thanks to Just Donal, who persuaded me to attend Eurovision for Asia, and goodness what a fun time was had by all, I only hope that my I Love Linda more than Donal does t-shirt didn’t offend him too much.

BASICALLY BRIAN’S Word Of The Week

ONERABLE: This word is nothing to do whatsoever with the word honourable. Instead it is a kind of like saying troublesome, somebody may be an onerable individual. I assume it originates with the word onerous.

Pronounced: Own- Er- ab- ll

BASICALLY BRIAN’S Question of the Week

What is the origin of the word cocktail? I know what a cock is, it’s a male hen for the record, and everyone should be aware of what a tail is. Can anybody tell me how when you put the two together it means a mixture of liquids, typically alcoholic ones.

BASICALLY BRIAN’S French Love Poem Of the Week

Les Sentiments de votre chou chou

Je sais une proffesseur ettonnant,
Une perssone je vraiment voulant.
Elle est une beau historien,
Oui, cest vrai j’aime Madame Mullen.

Elle as une sourie platine,
Et une beau rire feminine.
Dans mon cour elle fait un feu,
Avec sa soliuer pointu.

Ja’dore sa cour,
Cest le essentiel de mon jour.
Tu doit agree que dans mon terminal,
Je lécher en haut plus plus plus de Donal.

Allor finalment, il faut que dire,
Madame Mullen Je me te toujour souvenir.

Il etait ecrit pour mme Mullen a Brian Harrison, 1 Mai
2004

NB: any criticism of my French will not be appreciated… at all!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

BASICALLY BRIAN- A Weekly Column By Basically Brian

Hello and welcome once again, I’m BASICALLY BRIAN and this is my weekly dose of words, wonder, and a tale of years gone by. Before I get started I have a bone to pick with all of you, last week I asked you; how does the man who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning? Despite my pleas I received no replies, once again there is a prize for this and all answers are greatly received at greenday_basketcase@hotmail.com.

BASICALLY BRIAN’S Word of the Week

GYNOTIKOLOBOMASSOPHILE: This is naturally enough some one with gynotikolobomassophilia, which is, a fetish or immense desire to nibble on women’s earlobes.

The purpose of BASICALLY BRIAN’S word of the week is to broaden your vocabulary, and so you should of course use every word BASICALLY BRIAN teaches you at least once a week. As a piece of help this weeks word gynotikolobomassophile is pronounced as follows:

Guy-no-tea-co-low-bow-mass-o-file

BASICALLY BRIAN’S Question of the Week

How do octopi mate? (Octopi= the plural of octopus)

Please answer, greenday_basketcase@hotmail.com: for a bit of a clue, I believe it was Aristotle who actually figured it out.


BASICALLY BRIAN’S Historical Tit Bit of the Week

One of the reasons behind the French revolution was that there were those among the French people who believed there esteemed king Louis XVI wasn’t the manliest of folks. The reasoning behind this was that his marriage to Marie Antoinette wasn’t consummated for over three years! In fairness to the guy it was due to a medical condition he suffered from called phymosis. It would appear to be kind of like a Brittney Justin have they / haven’t they sort of thing but I have no idea how people would come to know about the sexual relationship of the royal family. During this time of probable frustration for our poor Marie, it was assumed that she must have had to play away from home; allegations were rife about misdemeanours with her servants, maids, and female friends, not to mention her children!!! None of these were true but it still increased suspicion of the family and didn’t help diffuse the tensions.